Outburst post. Stressed. (Clearly.)

This morning I was monologuing wildly with my cat and roaring RegSpek lyrics over the vacuum. At dinner I burst (actually burst, which I have never done before) into tears because I was hired for three separate jobs this year and only got to keep the most low-key of them — dog-walking — and I still don't know why, and because my digital camera just died and I can't afford to buy another one or to keep developing this much film. And in between morning and dinner I started putting the next two months of my life into suitcases.

My dad said maybe he should pay me for a poem, commission a poem from me on the event of — and I sobbed, "On the death of a camera." I just want a decent camera with more megapixels than a cell phone camera (sadly not true of my late camera) so I can try to sell some prints. And then maybe I can be self-employed from the box I'll live in, because there seems to be something unemployable about me.

13 comments:

geekspawn 1/06/2010 9:16 PM  

I love you.

phampants 1/06/2010 9:21 PM  

:'( If my old camera wasn't dying and have a huge speck on the inside lens, you could have it.

Danielle 1/06/2010 9:30 PM  

Hang in there, dear. You are one of the most creative and unique people I know and you will get through this.

minteva 1/06/2010 9:37 PM  

oh sweetness. i'm sorry you're having a hard time at the moment, but please know that you're one o the most beautiful people i've ever met, and your generousity and creativity and talent inspire and amaze me every day.

<3

Bambola 1/06/2010 11:43 PM  

I'm sorry.

You are not unemployable. You are amazing. You will make a life with the photos you take and the stories you write. I know it.

Sending you some love and Australian trouble.

xxx

Sarah Louise 1/07/2010 6:22 AM  

hang in there toots. Soon you'll be in Chi-town and in a time zone closer to moi!

(and what all the other folks said.)

sending you silk flowers, b/c you can carry them on the plane.

gabi dickinson 1/07/2010 6:45 AM  

You are not unemployable.
You just haven't found the little Holly-shaped hole yet. I promise it's not as far as away as you think.
<3
Just think once day you can come and photograph my treasures and sell those photos :) Are you going to open an Etsy store?

Erin 1/07/2010 9:06 AM  

*hugsyoutighttighttight*

Q 1/07/2010 2:24 PM  

Have you ever noticed how the most interesting people couldn't hold a job to save their lives? Yes. You'll be fine.

*hugs anyway*

I do hope you find funds for your camera. It is a tragedy to not have one.

pinkapplecore 1/07/2010 5:08 PM  

You are so amazing...amazing isn't even amazing enough to describe you.

When I sent my portfolio to SCAD the last slide was a dedication to my camera that died due to sand clog...so sad.

!!HUGS!!

I have never had a job...can't get one at all..can't get anyone to hire me! and i'm not a bad person!?

Beth Kephart 1/08/2010 5:09 PM  

girl,
the world doesn't even know what to do with star power such as you.

molly 1/10/2010 8:52 AM  

I know how you feel. I call myself a film maker and I feel completely unemployable. I have no skills. I've left my long term relationship, I'm living alone, I can't get work, and I'm wondering just what is the point of all this?

cuileann 1/11/2010 10:22 PM  

geekspawn - I love you too, my LittleRedder sister.

phampants - Thankss...if it's the thought that counts, then I shall remember your thought.

Danielle - Thank you, chica. You're right, this mood might be symptom of something that's been bothering me for a while, but it's by no means lasting.

minteva - You make my heart lift. Thank you.

Bambola - Your faith, love, is a breath of good air.

Sarah Louise - Thank you, my SL.

Gabi - That is a really nice thought, one which I will try to remind myself of. I love the idea of photographing your treasures. And an Etsy store definitely appeals to me...we will see.

Erin - *clings*

Q - I will be fine, you're right, of course. Your words of comfort are never what someone would expect, but they're always just right.

pinkapplecore - ohw, thank you pen pal. No, you are surely no bad person and have employment in your future. Thank you for being reassuring--you really are.

Oh Beth -- I'm afraid that it's realistic of me to think I lost the second-to-last job not because I'm blindingly wonderful but because I was spending too much time online...but even so, I am holding your words tight. You really do bless us with your remarkable faith in us.

molly - I don't know what to say except that I know to some extent the feelings of stuckness and failure that unemployment brings. Well--and I know that you can't give up because even within a few weeks, life can turn completely around. It has done for me. Please hang in there. <3

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