"But I guess we just deal with it how it comes, deal with the humps, take the jumps..."

Empty lot with the snow swirled as wind did it
the bokeh of streetlights when I
let my eyes slide out of focus.
I tap my forehead against the screen.
After every car that pauses at the intersection,
there is without a gap another one with exactly the same cadence:
pull up, pause, drive through.
I am pleased to have this old sweater held
together by ugly stitches
less so to have the same done to me.

***

I am tired. Not just "I need to sleep more" tired, but "want to collapse on the sidewalk, forget everything, and fall into a headphones coma" tired. I'm discouraged to have a paper to write, to not be able to find a copy of Nicomachean Ethics when I need it, to be going back to therapy yet again. My heart could use some rest, but I guess that's what it was getting for much of the last year.

Insisting and listening and waving farewell to my idea that I Have It Together. I'm okay and I will keep being okay, but also? A messy girl with a messy heart, still. It's okay; I'm okay; it'll be okay.

Soundtrack: First Aid Kit, Crystal Castles, and The Middle East.

I will end with a wish for you other tired people, that you will rest well tonight and that tomorrow will bring some things to put some light back in your heart.

11 comments:

faithfullyme 2/04/2010 7:00 PM  

*hugs* I know the feeling.

And thank you. I could use well wishes tonight.

Alla 2/04/2010 9:52 PM  

<3 to you my friend. I have been feeling rather flat of late, it has a lot to do with my heart learning to feel again and it's scary and crazy and overwhelming and making me feel rather irrational at times, which I really don't like. I just tell myself to breath and remind myself that there is always tomorrow. xxx

Danielle 2/04/2010 10:19 PM  

Same to you, my friend.

cuileann 2/04/2010 11:08 PM  

Faith - *hugs back*

Alla - You're right, of course. And you're entirely up to those challenges.

Danielle - <3

odessa 2/05/2010 1:19 AM  

oh, i know what you mean... hang in there, friend. *hugs*

gabi dickinson 2/05/2010 7:33 AM  

I know that feeling so intimately.
I wish I could be there to make cupcakes with you and laugh with you.
Or something else that would cause some light to fall back into the crevices of your heart.

phampants 2/05/2010 11:05 AM  

This morning, I drove to work and realized that it was quite a dreary and gloomy day. Few things going on my mind that's making me exhausted and sad. And yet, there's one thing I couldn't help but do: smile. It's a gloomy day, but it's going to be a good day.

Erin Wilson 2/05/2010 3:53 PM  

I hope + pray you find some rest + light.

cuileann 2/05/2010 4:19 PM  

odessa - thank you, dear.

gabi - someday! God did give some sweet things to my day.

pham - mm. it HAS been a good day for me. for you too, I hope.

Erin - I did. Chapel and a friend really lifted my spirits this morning, and now the paper is done and gone. Thank you.

pinkapplecore 2/07/2010 6:52 PM  

I'm tired too chicka-dee, but I keep trying to think of good thoughts and happy memories...and the possibilities of new ones.

xoxo

cuileann 2/08/2010 1:03 PM  

pinkapplecore - yes. I'll keep trying to...we'll get somewhere better than tired.

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