In no order [walking free-write]

Today I crushed a snowflake between my fingertips

No

Tonight I stood in the lights outside the church, whispering profanities because I could see snowflakes on my scarf and they had six points, they had feathers and were more complicated than paper snowflakes, and so small even my super-macro setting couldn't focus on the best one, crying profanities because I have been a good evangelical and those are the words left to me when there are no words left

This is me having no answers, me not knowing anything but what happened. Paint can stroke with no answers, can I write this way? Will you allow this?

Striding in a fury of wonder to the library at night
Retching in glory, my heart seizing with you and with me-ness
But "it is ever so easy to go"
But I wanted to follow no one
This storm of words in my skull
Vitamins and a vial of lavender oil in my coat pocket,
where there was a brownie where I hallucinate its grease

Stop, stop looking at yourself
No, that's not it
Stop, what is the wonder of a snowflake compared to a human?
Would you thrust your fingers down your best friend's throat?

I was dishonest. Age thirteen, I wrote about eyes meeting in the rain, water in eyelashes
Am. Age twenty, I sketch in my head about my bloody wool-stockinged heels, my eyes in love, my swallowing throat.
Nineteen, I dreamt a girl vomiting blood and that I said nothing
Last night — no, the night before, there was a girl vomiting. I couldn't see her face and I laid the back of my hand on her bare shoulder blade.

6 comments:

Liv Bambola 2/24/2010 6:32 PM  

wow. i don't know quite what to say.

this is powerful.

Cassandra 2/24/2010 6:35 PM  

This is... haunting. But beautifully so.

gabi dickinson 2/25/2010 4:22 AM  

I don't even understand the heart of this.
And yet I'm almost at the point of tears.

Inkgirl 2/25/2010 1:13 PM  

Haunting. The last part almost made me cry.

Erin 2/25/2010 8:05 PM  

this makes me feel very....what's the word.....

troubled.

are you alright?

cuileann 2/26/2010 1:09 PM  

Liv - Thank you. I was in a powerful sort of mood.

Cassandra - Thank you.

Gabi and Inkgirl - Truly? My first thought was, But I wasn't sad when I wrote this. But I think I was, in a whirling, ferocious sort of way.

Erin - As it should. I am, yes. Days are full of avarice and caprice and I'm throwing myself around and figuring things out.

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