"No history but"

Bones to me used to mean jutting bones. Too-skinny. I wished my bones (hipcollarribschest, wristspineshoulderblades) would jut. To say...? I would guess: "I have anger in my belly like emptiness; I don't believe any of this is ever going to be okay."

I lay in bed with my thumbs on my hipbones listening to minutes pass(thumbs left scars, not many still to see).

Bones mean different for me now. I want skin and fat around them, but I want to know where they are too. Bones are: memory, things that don't hurt anymore. My center, the parts of me which are inalienable. "To the bones." What holds me up and together. My Ellie and I lined two of our prettier bones with stars—me to remind my fingers of her and of strength(our strength).

I have this odd habit now of pounding my hipbones lightly with the fleshy end of a fist when I'm thinking hard. You can echolocate your way around a waist this way: flesh, flesh, flesh, bone. There is one point which if you hit just on, it thumps down to your marrow.

A little bruise there....I don't know why, but it reassures me.

8 comments:

BuddhaPublicist 2/08/2010 2:18 PM  

Do you write poetry? This could easily be turned into a lovely poem.

Jennifer

pinkapplecore 2/08/2010 2:31 PM  

On the inside I wish I was skinny, I'm not i'm actually really close to being over weight now...grr. I try not to think about it and cut back on how much I eat but my lack of exercise isn't really helping.. I won't become bulimic mainly because I will do everything in my power not to throw up...I've only thrown up maybe on 5 different occasions in my life time. I don't hit my bones but i'll grab my fat rolls or pull at my skin to see a better out line...or just cry
:|

cuileann 2/08/2010 3:27 PM  

Jennifer - I do write poetry! This post was just a collection of thoughts off the top of my head which seemed best suited to prose, but I think I may see how they would fare in verse. Thank you for the idea!

pinkapplecore - Oh darling. I have been there--I gained twenty or twenty-five pounds second semester of freshman year and was officially overweight by the time I got home, and I know, trying to lose weight is a terrible thing to have on one's mind. I think I'm going to have to write more about that. Peace, lovely heart.

gabi dickinson 2/09/2010 6:47 AM  

This reminds me of this:
http://onepartgypsy.wordpress.com/2009/10/28/dancer/
But there is a beauty about this. When you publish your first book of poetry and prose, I'll be the first to place an order <3

cuileann 2/09/2010 7:12 AM  

Gabi - Oh! Thank you for that link. And thank you for your support. <3

Erin 2/09/2010 4:59 PM  

yeah can you just write a book already so i can buy it?

cuileann 2/09/2010 10:44 PM  

Erin - :D I'm working on something to make on Blurb, but you guys make me want to take longer on it...

sui 4/11/2012 9:40 PM  

i find this lovely (and i've reread it a few times)
but it -- almost -- always! reminds me of self-harm! bruises! :(

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