Ambivalent

There is pride in me, but I am leaving it out of these words. I thought it would feel like being incomplete (I am not), but it is just a prickle of wish that someone, some person would know me all the way through.

I do want to settle. For some hands on me, some arms around me, someone who says they know me. This need is quiet, if it is even a need; and it hasn't really ever caught up with me before, or it did and I could shake it off.

But for what? For the sake of feeling proudly single singular sufficient and content? It's not fair to settle; (don't worry,) I wouldn't. It's not fair to know to no I don't need. I don't fear you don't know me won't don't see

God knows you understand
that I
want to be seen as badly as
the next person, as much as
any and every other person

It's this tension between need and
wholeness. Want and peace.
This is what tears a body
apart.

10 comments:

Edge 4/10/2010 4:02 PM  

...Cuil? Did our minds become the same over the last day? "I do want to settle. For some hands on me, some arms around me, someone who says they know me." I have never craved physical contact like I did yesterday night. Ever. This just put it into words.

Cassandra 4/10/2010 4:44 PM  

So true.

geekspawn 4/10/2010 4:51 PM  

Ow.

cuileann 4/10/2010 5:42 PM  

Edge - Cheeky answer: no, because I wrote this about a month ago. Real answer: need is a funny beastie, isn't it? I hope you come to a truce with yours.

Cassandra - But I hope you are not too pulled-apart yourself. (I am not now.)

geekspawn - Mmmmhm, you know how it goes?

Erin 4/10/2010 5:43 PM  

you just wrote
(exactly exactly exactly)
my heart
the past week.

cuileann 4/10/2010 5:48 PM  

Erin - Mmm. Rest for your heart, lady.

geekspawn 4/10/2010 8:00 PM  

Yeah, I know how it goes. I don't know what it is about you, but it's like you take the same emotions everyone is fighting and manage to put words to them in ways they can't. That almost physically HURT to read because it's, like, a confession you weren't ready for.

pinkapplecore 4/11/2010 7:37 AM  

huggles

odessa 4/11/2010 10:12 AM  

oh dear, i think we're all in the same page here. that's exactly how i felt last night. exactly. thank you for your beautiful words. *hugs*

cuileann 4/11/2010 12:52 PM  

geekspawn - Thank you so much...that is an awfully nice thing for a writer to hear. (causing pain, YES! naw, you know how I mean.)

pinkapplecore - hugglesbaaack

odessa - uff. *hugs back*

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