Last night's little bit of existential crisis

Brain rattles and borrowed troubles: What am I doing? What is the POINT of me? What am I going to do tomorrow, and next week? What if I don't get a job?

But shush. Stand up, even though it might be meaningless. You must move.

Stretch. Breathe. Again. Pay attention to the way this air feels going in and out of your body. Pay attention to the way your feet feel on the floor.

Like Franz said, the tall blue starry strangeness of being here at all. Or Thich Nhat Hanh: all is miracle. It's not necessary to understand.

And now do something. Just something. Bake? Don't think too hard. Yes, let's go bake.

6 comments:

Erin 5/25/2010 10:53 PM  

I feel this way all the time, and try and remind myself of miracles all the time.

mol 5/26/2010 1:10 AM  

I am right there with you, every day, every day. I find keeping a daily journal of all the tiniest things I am grateful for each day helps me, and I am always surprised to find there is more to be grateful for than I realised. Sometimes I have pages to write, sometimes it's a struggle to find anything to express gratitude for at all. But the exercise is in reaching for the thought that feels better, and when you have that thought that feels better, it begets more betterness. And when that happens I find that doors begin to open, especially ones I didn't see before.
I begin with the gratitude for specific things each day, and I finish the entry with expressing what I want or need next, and expressing that I am open to more abundance, love, joy, fun, (whatever you want to put here) than I have ever experienced or imagined possible, which puts me in the frame of mind where I am allowing the work, the love, the joy to find its way to me. I really believe it's already mine, all these things, I just need to be ready to see them when they arrive.
All that said, it always takes practice to do this, and I'm not always very disciplined with my practice.
I wish you more of all that you need. x

Cheray 5/26/2010 2:08 AM  

Baking seems to be my fail safe...I often find myself icing cupcakes at 1am after a baking frenzy. It soothes me.
I hope the feeling passes lovely (and know that you're not alone in feeling this way)
xxx

Edge 5/26/2010 5:56 AM  

*hugs* Well, you are here to be an inspiration to all of us and remind us of the beauty in the world. :)

odessa 5/26/2010 9:34 AM  

omg, friend i just wrote the same thing! stretch, breathe. and yes, bake. go bake.

Holly 5/26/2010 10:56 AM  

Erin - This is a cliche noise, but you are a trooper, you know? You really are. I admire you.

mol - Thank you so much. I do the gratitude exercise sometimes; it used to be my first resort when I felt like depression was creeping up on me. I think it would be good if I made a regular practice of it like you do. Or perhaps simply integrating those realizations into my prayers better. <3

Cheray - Baking is a GREAT coping mechanism, no? I know what you mean about it being soothing. Thank you. (And I did feel much better even just after baking.)

Edge - Well, that was a nice thing to read! Thank you, my amiga. *hugs back*

odessa - AH! Oh, funny. Cross-town brain synch?

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