Heartache

I went to the doctor today about a minor concern, just a little inflammation in my heel.

I was sitting next to a tweenish boy and his mother in the waiting room. My ears are a little too sharp, maybe, or too curious.

I heard her say something like, "So you feel like you have to do these exercises?" and thought, Eating disorder. But not very seriously, just my brain skipping around.

But they kept talking and it turned out I was right. These little tidbits: You made yourself throw up. Grandma told me about how you were running around the parking lot and not eating very much. She sent me a picture, I could see your face was different. Push-ups in particular? Were you surprised to find out you'd lost weight? Dr. So-and-So the head of the eating disorders unit. You're thirteen now, what about down the road, if you were giving a concert, you would pass out on stage.

Thirteen. Murmuring, long legs, young face, big feet in Converse. Going to be admitted to an eating disorders unit. When I heard that, a little part of me was running away and sitting down somewhere small and hiding my face and crying hard hard.

I still have to assemble something called "Lake part three" because that's how I am, but today I only want to say, I am sad. Not about my life, but about other things in the world. I know there are glimmers of redemption everywhere, but I am sad that our world has to be so broken. I am sad that a thirteen-year-old person has be in so much pain.

I'm not Catholic, but I'm lighting a St. Jude candle lately when I pray. Patron saint of the helpless and alone, of hopeless cases, of things almost despaired of. Ore por mi, pues estoy solo y sin ayuda...

I light it for who I sometimes am, for the kid in the waiting room, and I light it for you. I do not know who you are, but you know who you are.

14 comments:

Krystal 6/14/2010 11:28 PM  

I'm glad there are people like you in the world!

Girl in the Black Beret 6/14/2010 11:35 PM  

It makes me sad that anyone, at the age of thirteen, who doesn't even know who he is, knows only that he's not right, that he's got to put himself through that. it makes me sad that anyone, at any age, whether they know themselves or not, put themselves through that. tragic.

gabi dickinson 6/15/2010 2:54 AM  

This made me cry.
You are beauty, through and through.

Tanya 6/15/2010 3:12 AM  

What a lovely post. Thank you. Fair enough to acknowledge sadness for our broken world. And good to remember hope as well. Again, thank you.

pinkapplecore 6/15/2010 8:23 AM  

we are broken... but we are fixable, bendable, and mend-able. it pains me that a child feels like they are "wrong".

hmmm...this world can be really stomach churning...

Jenica 6/15/2010 11:18 AM  

How well I know this sadness. But you know what I am thinking of right now? The myth of Pandora's box...when all evils and diseases and sorrows had scattered to infect humanity, it was Hope with rainbow wings who entered the world. Just a pagan story, of course, but a nice thought.

Holly 6/15/2010 1:26 PM  

Krystal - People who eavesdrop in medical situations? Hah. <3

Girl in the Black Beret - It's not really what we are taught, though, is it? That we are okay, that we are enough, that we will be enough.

Gabi - Oh, lovely Gabs. I'm the brokenness too, for better or for worse.

Tanya - And thank you for hearing. Sadness must be heard.

pinkapplecore - I really like how you put that. You are right. Both parts of your comment.

Jenica - Thank you. The one lingering, that she noticed after she managed to slam the lid shut...yes.

geekspawn 6/15/2010 2:19 PM  

That's horrible. And what I am sad about is seeing kids whose parents are encouraging this. Not in this case; but I'm seeing it elsewhere and it kills me that a parent could care so little about what they're doing to their child's life.

Holly 6/15/2010 9:35 PM  

geekspawn - oh, oh...
emoticons seem a bit lighthearted, but my face is doing the :( right now.

Every time it rains she just feels a lot better... 6/17/2010 7:21 PM  

brokenness hurts. it does. there is beauty, though, in your attention, and in your sadness, because it reveals your beautiful heart. it doesn't make things better, but thank you for noticing.

Edge 6/18/2010 3:53 PM  

*hugs* I love you, Hols. This really hit a chord. Especially the part with the St. Jude candle and the Spanish.

Holly 6/20/2010 9:21 AM  

Edge - Thanks, doll. There is something about those Mexican grocery store saint candles that really gets me.

sui 1/28/2012 6:02 PM  

:'(

Holly 1/28/2012 6:34 PM  

sui - Quite so. :(

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