Tonight

I decided to just lie on my bed for a while and stare at the ceiling for a while. It seemed necessary. Ever since I read this post, I have been worried that I would be incapable of it, and positive that I needed to try it.

And in my do-nothing time, I determined that I think too far ahead and too much about doing. The end of everything is the question What to Do. What will I do? What will I do? What will I do? And when I am in the middle of doing something, my brain is besieged by thoughts of other things to do. Write that down. Check for response to that email. Text her about the anthro assignment. Remember to get that book from the library. Do I have a stamp for that postcard? They whittle away at my attention and my presence.

The other thing I realized is that I have too much of other people's voices and words in my life and head right now. They are taking up all of my space and thoughts. There are too many excuses for avoiding what's going on in my heart. There's not enough room for my own thoughts, and there's no quiet at all.

I need to make some changes. I am going to make some changes.

14 comments:

Em 10/09/2010 9:28 PM  

It is hard to get used to being alone without thinking of what the future holds. Even if that future is just what you are doing tomorrow, or in my case, stressing about whatever cakes I have to make next. I am now able to zone out, enjoy my time alone. I kind of had to with Reece working nights all the time- it gives me a lot of time by myself, but I am glad now that I have it.
The thing that makes it even harder too acheive is concentrating on not thinking about things. You need to learn to not concentrate at all, about anything, and eventually you will just realise that you are doing it. You will happily notice one day that you are fine being alone with yourself.

geekspawn 10/09/2010 10:28 PM  

I regularly have ceiling dates. I'm accused of overthinking things too much, and perhaps I do, but sometimes doing nothing but think helps when I need to prepare for a time in which my mind must be clear.

Holly 10/09/2010 11:49 PM  

Em - I ruv you. You are so great. (Too late for intelligence, but too much appreciation not to comment back.)

geekspawn - Ceiling dates. Do sky dates work, on the other side of your window?

aipingplum 10/10/2010 9:58 AM  

I'm with you on this. I've been getting a LITTLE better about it, and I've already been so much less stressed. The beauty of the trees and sky these days seem to be a good distraction from my thoughts. I just get lost in its splendor. How about you? Does the beautiful autumn help?

Holly 10/11/2010 11:09 AM  

aipingplum - autumn is beautiful, definitely. I'm looking for fewer distractions, if that makes sense. seeing can be either/or.

Cheray 10/11/2010 4:35 PM  

I always wish I had more me time, then I find myself filling said me time with "stuff"...
When I was growing up I would stare at the stars for hours, or walk by myself and just think of anything wonderful that made me happy...
now I never seem to be alone...with myself or my thoughts...
:(
change is a good thing
x

Holly 10/11/2010 8:39 PM  

Cheray - filling up time with STUFF! yes, that's exACTLY it. time clutter. I shall take lessons from your younger self...what would bring that ability back to you?

geekspawn 10/13/2010 7:54 PM  

I've actually only ever taken two sky dates unchaperoned. For some reason being on my roof never seems to feel exactly right without someone else. Maybe it's habit.

Holly 10/13/2010 9:27 PM  

geekspawn - mm. I'm trying to remember if you can see stars from your 'burb...I don't. (remember.)

her 10/13/2010 11:15 PM  

sounds like life to me =) (as i ignore my to do lists)

Holly 10/14/2010 9:03 AM  

her - hahaha, more power to you.

geekspawn 10/14/2010 10:23 AM  

I can sometimes see stars. Not often but every once in a while. It's really dizzy-making.

Cheray 10/14/2010 7:02 PM  

I think I need to make time to do nothing...or at least force myself to not fill my time with meaningless stuff!
Banning myself from the internet every so often wouldn't hurt either! (plus it will save me from dress shopping! ahh!)
Yesterday I went for a long walk and thought of all the fun whimsical things I used to dream of...
it was magic x

Holly 10/14/2010 7:45 PM  

Cheray - another of my blogger friends only uses the internet every other day. I was so inspired by that...maybe once a week would be a good start for me/us. and long walks, yesss, such the best for the mind.

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