In snowmelt

(Setting: Winter
is fading,
and the world
is pale.)

Belief: "If I do everything right, then I'll be all right."

Assess: Then and only then?
I AM all right (yes?); keep being all right?
Or is it feeling all right?

Describe: Like snow melting into a flood somewhere,
a buzzing optimistic energy that turns into
dread, a tense invisible crawling under the skin,
inside the lungs

Fear: What will happen when I can't/don't manage to balance everything?

Elements: If I go to bed early enough and wake up early enough, if I don't fall asleep in the afternoon, if I eat my vegetables and take my supplements and meds and keep my sectioned to-do list and turn everything in on time, if I write my letters and emails, if I keep my room clean, if I do my laundry and go to yoga and do cardio too, if I keep up with my daily assignments and also stick to a good time frame of researching and outlining for the papers and projects that are due at mid-term and the end of the semester, if I turn my library books in and pay my credit card bill, if I don't eat trans fats or soy protein isolate or buy mushrooms that come in styrofoam, if I apply early enough for enough summer jobs and internships, if I buy only used clothing and donate to charity, if I wash my dishes and drink enough water, if I go to church on Sundays and socialize outside of class, if I don't spend more money than I make, if if if/then...

(then I won't get depressed ever again.
then I'll be happy and undiagnosable.
then I'll get good grades,
and a good job for the rest of 2011,
and never have cause to stress or fear again.)
(please tell me this is right.)

Historical analysis: I think I sometimes drop everything on purpose, just to prove to myself that __________.


Nichole 2/16/2011 5:41 PM  

You should look up a construct Karen Horney described as the "Tyrrany of the Shoulds." I think it would resonate with you.

Nichole 2/16/2011 5:52 PM  

I just now realized how ironic my last statement was. Let me rephrase. If it strikes your fancy, feel free to look up a construct Karen Horney described as the "Tyranny of the Shoulds."

Dawn 2/16/2011 5:53 PM  

Oh Sweetheart! I understand and if only it were that easy we would never struggle again. I can't take away the stress or the hurt, but I can tell you that you are good enough without torturing yourself. There is no such thing as perfection in this life and the harder we try to attain it, the further we are from it. Hang in there! xoxo

Holly 2/16/2011 7:39 PM  

Nikki - HAH I wasn't sure whether to assume wicked cleverness of that comment or not. I have just put one of her books on my to-read list.

Dawn - Thank you, so much, for your sympathy and encouragement. I know you really know what I mean. xooo.

geekspawn 2/16/2011 7:52 PM  

This almost hurts to read. I relate.

Holly 2/16/2011 8:09 PM  

Faith - strong hugs.

Sara 2/17/2011 5:49 AM  

My God!! This is truly beautiful

Jenica 2/17/2011 12:05 PM  

I think I'd get depressed trying this. This is a list of the unimportant. It leaves out the important things like the people you love. And reading the Bible. And taking long walks just to enjoy the world.
I hope you don't feel this way for long...

Erin 2/17/2011 12:22 PM  

It's like you wrote out a tangible thought, the way thoughts really happen in a brain. This definitely resonates.

Michaela Brown 2/17/2011 2:14 PM  

you are loved. just the way you are. even if your laundry is all over the floor and still dirty, even if you're behind in homework and forgot a vitamin and missed a deadline and are a little dehydrated and your sink is full of dirty dishes.

(and you are brilliant!)

aipingplum 2/18/2011 7:52 AM  

Ah, so I'm not the only one who feels this way...

<3 u Holls!

Holly 2/18/2011 11:33 PM  

Sara - Wow, thank you so much...

Jenica - It's not all-encompassing. It's the things that won't be done if I'm not conscious about them, or won't be done in the right time frame. The things I love best are not there because they don't need to be, if that makes you less distressed. (Honestly, I feel this way somewhat regularly.)

Michaela - Thank you, even more. I was journaling/praying last night and I needed to remind some perspective into myself, like this. The smallness of all mistakes.

aipingplum - No...I shake my head vigorously...definitely not. <3

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