Second winter

It used to be hard for me to understand how a single being could contain both happiness and sadness. I learned that it's not a paradox.

The paradox now is doubting with faith. Or doubting faithfully.
Considering: Perth, Berlin, Munich, Sydney, Santa Fe. The next two years.
"What was it I was going to ask you?....Oh yeah. Are you a—" "Lesbian?" "No—" "Oh." "A pothead."

A couple different people have called me chill this year. I like it because it really surprises me.
Having graduated, there is a fantastic spaciousness to my life, something I would dance around in yelling "sixty years, sixty years, free free free anything I want, anywhere" but even that wouldn't really communicate to you how I feel. There is just so much time! I mean, what can't you do, with that amount of time? I've never been one to talk about "life" or "the real world" as something distinct from life-before-college-graduation, but at the moment it really does feel like the beginning of something truly mine.

I've been sick for the past week and a half, but it's pretty great to be alive/me/here.

There is no season like winter in San Francisco.


sui 12/29/2011 2:56 PM  

"The paradox now is doubting with faith. Or doubting faithfully."
This makes me want to reread Blue Like Jazz.

Chill, haha. That's cool. I feel chill (my emotions aren't usually out of control and I don't get offended by much) but maybe I'm not because I'm so outspoken about what I'm passionate about.

PERTH! That reminds me of Bon Iver, haha. Go to any of those places and I will come play with you.

ALSO... haha, I think I found one of your random posts (No one belongs here more than you on your arm) via your "related posts," but then I couldn't find it again and was wondering where it was (it's hard to find via search). Could you direct me?

In the end, I don't think it's a paradox. I think it makes perfect sense. :)

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see in truth that you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

Noël De Vries 12/29/2011 4:27 PM  

This was me, today.

Outside with the little girls my sister and I nanny, 3 and 1, the noontime sun streaming down on their round, beaming, cap-bundled faces, through a row of deep green pine trees, the scent of resin and a wood-burning furnace, like a dry, still, March afternoon. Pulling the younger sister on a sled, along a bed of pine needles, hearing her hum behind me, completely satisfied and absorbed in her world. The other sister building a fairy house at the end of the row, also completely satisfied and absorbed in her world.

One moment I wished they were mine, that my life was further on, and then the next moment that swift happiness, of knowing that THIS is my life, and I am living it right now, and it is MINE and yes: it is only the beginning and yet it is everything.

Thank you for the reminder to stretch in the spaciousness, like a cat on a sunny sill.

Holly 12/31/2011 12:19 AM  

Sui - Here you are! That is a lovely quote, and reminds me of something the narrator says in one of the Anne of Green Gables books. I think chill is more of a core thing, so if you feel chill, claim it. Perth would be a return...mostly to some gorgeous people.

Noel, dear, I really can't wait until I can read something novel-length by you.

sui 12/31/2011 11:59 AM  

haha-- I think it's because others don't see me as chill because I'm always criticizing stuff for its gender implications/inequality. ahaha...

also, re: Lyon in that book! it's the very last story. heartbreaking, but when I read it I felt like Miranda July and I have the same brain. (spoiler alert: Lyon is a daughter who makes up a religion called the Pleiades. I went berzerk at that haha. and also at the fact that she mentioned freezing bread and going to Trader Joe's... not much to make me feel connected to a story haha)

Holly 12/31/2011 3:36 PM  

sui - I can at least read that one story, then, in honor of your catums whom I once tried to take for a walk.

Poppy 12/31/2011 4:48 PM  

Considering Melbourne?

Holly 12/31/2011 5:21 PM  

Poppy - I haven't been there yet, that's the thing, so I would be scared to do something as committal as "move" there! Though I hear it's like San Francisco... Ought I?

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