The space on the horizon between the clouds and the sea

Today is peaceful.

I did some more beta-reading for Sui, which leaves a mindful mood in my veins. And I went for a walk with no aim and no hurry, and no bag of Things, just my house key in my pocket. It brought me to the top of this hill to sit, and hum the Doxology, and watch the waves breaking two miles away.

For me, there is the should noise of "exercising" —

Bike rides or walks should be at least __ miles long.
You should get sweaty and breathe hard.
You're not healthy if you don't.
You'll start gaining weight.
You're out of shape, and that's worrisome.
Aren't you concerned about all this?
You should be.

— and then there are the pleasures of moving and being outside in the fresh air.

And the air here in winter really is a pleasure. So soft. Gorgeous temperature.

It was almost 2 pm when I woke up. (I need 9 hours a night; the night before last I only got 5, so tonight I got 13. I need 9 hours of sleep a night and my body is very matter-of-fact about this.)

Waking up late too easily means waking up with a sinking feeling. So much wasted time, and now I'll never sort out my sleep schedule... But it's only the guilt itself that casts the shadow over the day.

I reached over to my stereo and pressed play, and excused myself from getting up for another six minutes so that I could listen to the last movement of the Italian Symphony.

You do what you can to rise with a light heart.

9 comments:

sui 1/04/2012 6:31 PM  

Your experience resonates, both with the late awakening and the shoulds. Because it's January and I did tell myself I would do my best to start moving again this month, I find myself keeping track. Did I move long enough? Am I doing it x number of days a week?

Something to still further let go of... ah.

The thing is, keeping track doesn't make me happy. It just makes me stressed.

Well, if it's not serving me... why do it?

(P.S. Another thousand thanks for your help. I'm going to feed you many burritos from San Diego one day. Yummy, yummy burritos...)

Holly 1/05/2012 1:40 PM  

sui - (And you know a San Franciscan will always always accept burritos. YOM.) Yes, totally. I wouldn't think of making myself do a form of exercise that I don't like, but still that mindset can corrupt activities I do like. Giving it time and awareness and trusting that the bastions of body-negative thinking will continue to fall.

1/05/2012 1:52 PM  

i need to start talking walks more often; yesterday i took the littlest sister down to the park and the long trail behind it, and even though the scenery is not particularly nice, the weather is.

also, got your package in the mail today. thank you so much <3 my room smells wonderful now.

Jenica 1/05/2012 5:49 PM  

Oh, that feeling of waking up too late and wasted time--I hate sleeping in. It's kind of awful!
There's really nothing like a luxury walk.

Holly 1/08/2012 12:43 AM  

Fé - I'm glad your parents aren't anti-incense as mine are...my favorite memories smell of it. <3

Jenica - I know, I'm not even sure it's better than being poorly rested (though my body certainly thinks so).

Elizabeth 1/08/2012 3:37 PM  

I'm sad I never walked to the top of that hill. as for sleeping in too late. welcome to my daily guilt. my body likes 12 hours a night... even if I was only up 7 or 8 hours before I went to bed...

Erin 1/09/2012 11:51 PM  

The last sentence. Nods.

Holly 1/10/2012 2:47 AM  

Elizabeth - Don't regret, remember? The things we left undone are proof that we'll see each other again. And I grow more and more convinced that sleep habits are far less about virtue or strength of will than we think...(I'm writing this in my insomnia, of course.)

Erin - Was crucial to me stopping being depressed. More specifically, having an iPod within reach every morning right next to my alarm clock.

Erin 1/10/2012 12:39 PM  

Good plan. Will try this.

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