The only way I can fall asleep is clutching a heating pad to my chest

In the thirties at night. That wouldn't be notable for, say, Chicago, but this is coastal California; consider the limitations of our wardrobes, how our houses are (not) insulated, for example...

The hardwood floor in our place feels cold enough to burn the soles of bare feet. Tonight before bed though I microwave the last inch of coconut oil until it is transparent and liquid, strip and stand in the lamplight, bend to dip the cup of my fingers into the jar. The best moisturizer. Considering myself through the lens of a nonexistent camera, considering myself through the eyes of an absent lover (think: that part in The Unbearable Lightness of Being) and I hurry. Open-water swimmers smearing their bodies with goose fat. Bending down, the cup of fingers, straightening, how quickly a drip of oil solidifies on the cold floor. Of course I regard myself during this exercise, and I am somewhat exasperated. Body strange, what are you doing — keeping secrets from me with such indifference. I admit I am angry about the excuses I feel compelled to make, even if only in my head, for you. Control must be released again and again.

4 comments:

Erin 12/06/2013 9:00 AM  

I really love this - beautifully written, and relatable.

Holly 12/08/2013 12:40 PM  

Erin - <3 Thank you.

sui 12/09/2013 11:13 AM  

oh, how i always love your writing -- how haunting, and honest, and hauntingly honest it is.

Holly 12/10/2013 9:53 PM  

sui - thank you so much...

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